Hey parents. If you’re not a parent, don’t back away just yet – I believe this could hold an encouragement, and possibly a sobering reminder, for you as well. This past week I asked a dozen or so of our students two questions: one, “if you needed to ask someone for advice in your life – for something important or pressing – who would it be?” and, two, “if everyone in your life (parents, friends, teachers/coaches, or someone else) were to speak into your life at once; whose opinion would matter most to you? Who would you listen to?” For both questions, I gave students the choice of four answers to help guide their answers; 1) parents, 2) friends, 3) teachers/coaches, and 4) other (maybe there was a group or person I wasn’t thinking of? Maybe, for someone, Google held dramatic sway in their decision-making…)
I realize this is far from an academic or thorough sampling to poll any real statistics, but – perhaps – it might offer some encouragement to OUR parents, as it was OUR teens polled. For the first question, (“if you needed to ask someone for advice in your life, who would it be?”) the vast majority of our students answered without hesitation, saying, friends. A few differed from the pack saying, teachers/coaches or parents. I asked our students why this was and the consistent answer was that friends were available and understood the questions that they were going through (after all, they are experiencing the same things, the same struggles). I then asked our second question, “if everyone in your life were to speak into your life at once; whose opinion would matter most to you?”who would you listen to?” With teachers/coaches, friends, parents, the internet, and multiple other resources at your fingertips, which voice drowns out all the others? Again, a few students wavered with an answer of teachers/coaches, but the overwhelming answer was parents. While these were the answers I anticipated, it was a shocking disconnect – why seek the opinion of someone who is a lesser quality source than you would admit? Good question. Here are a few of the answers we discussed, “my friends are available…” “My parents wouldn’t understand…” “It feels awkward to initiate conversations with my parents…” “I don’t want my parents to look down on me…” The disconnect – parents, your students value your parenting and guidance as Mom or Dad, whether you realize it or not.
The funny thing is that I have had several parents tell me, “how can I compete with the friends that my teen would much rather listen to?” While that may be an easy lie to buy into, I wholeheartedly believe most teens desire a relationship with their Mom/Dad, and to hear from them as a parent guides their child. (Even if they might give a little attitude and resistance to it on the best of days) Parents, your words and model is noticed and important! And, if it’s any consolation, not one student mentioned that they would first ask or run to the wisdom of their youth pastor (a bit of a blow to my ego), but the reality is that what you say, do, and model as Mom or Dad speaks infinitely more than that of what the “professional Christian” has to say, or that of your child’s friends.
Parents – be encouraged! Everyone else, maybe you will feel a little humbled and help support our Mom’s and Dad’s to continue to parent their students.
Thanks Aaron. Even though we are years away from the awkward (awk) phase of parenting teenage boys, these days are coming. We are trying really hard to be good parents and have a strong bond with our boys now – so the bridges of communication and understanding are solidly built and can survive the awk teenage years.
It comes to mind, through your piece, that we must all be our kids’ parents first, and maybe their friends second. Being their friend is not our fundamental role – they will make hundreds of friends in their lives. We need to be their parents first – as you said, guidance, parenting ( I guess that means teaching and disciplining all in one word), modelling and our words fundamentally shape our children. Must remember to be on my best behaviour whenever my boys are watching.
I appreciate your thoughts, Mtich – and am encouraged to hear you’re thinking about that guiding and parenting role as a Dad to your boys. Although, I’m not a parent (so, I’m not speaking as a Dad, but a son), I would encourage you that the friendship aspect of your relationship will likely exist and flourish more and more as your boys grow older. I agree, however, that the parenting role comes first – they only have a single set of parents – but don’t be discouraged. At 26 years of age, one of my first phone calls when I’m troubled is my Dad (because he’s my Dad), but he’s also one of the first phone calls when I’m rejoicing (because he’s also my friend). Thanks for letting me know your thoughts!